We talk a lot about red flags in relationships.

So at Vegan Campout, I decided to ask people a different question:

What’s a relationship green flag?

I asked couples who had been together for eight years, sixteen years, twenty-nine years, thirty-three years, and even forty-two years. I spoke to people who were dating, people reflecting on past relationships, and people beginning again.

Some answers were immediate. Others required a surprisingly long pause.

And after dozens of conversations, something stood out.

People rarely talked about grand romantic gestures.

They didn't tell me that the biggest green flag was finding someone exceptionally attractive, successful or exciting.

Instead, they described behaviours.

Listening.

Remembering little things.

Being curious.

Learning how to communicate.

Being patient when your partner takes forever to get ready.

Trying something simply because your partner loves it.

Coming back together after an argument.

Making each other laugh.

Showing up when things are difficult.

Again and again, the green flags people valued were small ways of communicating:

I see you. I want to understand you. And this relationship matters enough for me to keep showing up.

Here are the themes I heard most often.

1. They’re curious about your world

One of the most interesting answers came from a couple who described a green flag as:

When someone is interested in your interests - even when they wouldn’t normally be interested in them - simply because they love you.

Variations of this came up again and again.

One person talked about being open to something your partner likes that you had never considered yourself.

Another described a non-vegan partner being interested enough to try vegan food.

Someone else talked about participating in their partner’s interests - festivals, motorbikes, activities that wouldn't necessarily have been their first choice.

And one international couple gave me a particularly lovely example: taking an interest in your partner's culture. One of them was even learning the other's native language.

There’s an important distinction here.

Having the same interests isn't the same as being interested in each other's interests.

You don't need to love motorbikes because your partner does.

You don't need to become obsessed with their favourite band.

You don't even need to understand why they care so much about something.

But there is something powerful about communicating:

"It matters to you, therefore I'm interested."

Curiosity says: your inner world is worth discovering.

And perhaps one of the easiest ways to make someone feel loved is to occasionally visit that world with them.

2. They’re willing to learn how to communicate

Unsurprisingly, communication was one of the most common answers.

But something more interesting emerged when people explained what they meant.

Several people didn't say:

"Someone who's a good communicator."

They described:

Someone who's willing to learn to communicate better.

That's a very different green flag.

One person talked about someone willing to learn how to talk about emotions.

Another described receiving feedback from your partner and listening rather than immediately becoming defensive.

Someone else said that many people simply don't want to talk about their relationships at all, so even being willing to have those conversations can be a positive sign.

This reframes communication from something you either possess or don't into something you can practise.

Nobody enters a relationship knowing perfectly how to communicate with another human being.

We bring different families, experiences, triggers, expectations and ways of expressing emotion.

So perhaps the green flag isn't:

"We communicate perfectly."

It's:

"We're willing to keep learning how to communicate with each other."

3. Watch what happens when you disagree

One person gave me an answer I particularly liked.

There will always be disagreements, she said.

So pay attention to how someone reacts when they happen.

Are they willing to listen?

Can they ask for some time to cool down rather than escalating things?

Can they hear something uncomfortable without immediately becoming defensive?

And perhaps most importantly:

Do they come back?

Another couple independently described repairing after a disagreement as their green flag. Showing that you care enough to nurture the relationship after something has gone wrong.

That's important because a healthy relationship isn't one without conflict.

Two different human beings will inevitably misunderstand, disappoint and frustrate each other.

The question is what happens next.

Do we try to win?

Do we withdraw indefinitely?

Or can we eventually communicate:

*"Something happened between us, but you're more important to me than staying disconnected."

Sometimes the greenest flag appears after the difficult moment, not before it.

4. They notice the little things

Some of the loveliest answers were also the smallest.

One person simply said:

Remembering little things about your partner.

Another talked about acknowledging other people and being kind in seemingly insignificant moments - even saying thank you to a driver who stops at a pedestrian crossing.

Someone else said sharing household chores.

Another mentioned patience when one partner takes much longer than the other to get ready.

None of these things would make a particularly dramatic romantic film.

But perhaps that's exactly the point.

Long-term relationships are mostly lived in ordinary moments.

Making coffee.

Loading the dishwasher.

Walking somewhere together.

Waiting.

Listening to a story you've heard before.

Noticing that your partner seems unusually quiet.

These tiny interactions continually answer a question we may rarely articulate:

"Do you notice me?"

Grand gestures can be wonderful.

But feeling seen in everyday life may matter much more.

5. Kindness still matters. A lot

I met one couple who had been together for 42 years.

When I asked about green flags, the answer wasn't complicated.

Kind and gentle.

Another person simply said someone who is nice and kind.

Others talked about empathy, patience, caring for family, and staying beside someone when they're down.

There's something almost refreshing about the simplicity of it.

We can make relationships incredibly complicated.

Attachment styles. Love languages. Compatibility tests. Personality types. Dating strategies.

All of those frameworks can offer useful ways of thinking.

But after 42 years with someone, perhaps "kind and gentle" isn't such a simplistic answer after all.

How does this person treat you when they're tired?

How do they respond when you've made a mistake?

How do they talk about people who can't do anything for them?

What happens when you're struggling rather than being your most attractive, entertaining or productive self?

Kindness isn't particularly flashy.

But it's something you may experience thousands of times over the course of a relationship.

6. Shared values matter. But so does accepting difference

Given that these conversations happened at Vegan Campout, I wasn't surprised that veganism came up.

Several people described being vegan, or caring about animals, as a green flag.

Others talked about shared principles: attitudes toward family, consumption, materialism or the kind of life they wanted to build.

Shared interests also came up: music, festivals and activities couples enjoy doing together.

But alongside this was another theme that initially sounds contradictory:

Accepting difference.

One person described acceptance of the other simply because people are different.

A couple who had been together for 33 years described their differences as complementary: one was more proactive, the other more laid-back.

Another couple talked about maintaining your own hobbies alongside the relationship.

This may be one of the more nuanced lessons from the conversations.

Compatibility doesn't necessarily mean becoming increasingly alike.

Perhaps it's having enough alignment in the things that really matter while leaving enough room for two distinct people to exist.

Shared values can give a relationship direction. Acceptance allows each person to remain themselves along the way.

7. They keep choosing the relationship

One word appeared in different forms throughout the weekend:

Effort.

Someone described a green flag simply as a person who "puts the effort in" because it demonstrates that they care.

Others described therapy, learning communication, participating in a partner's interests, repairing after conflict and sharing responsibilities.

But one of my favourite descriptions came from a couple who had been married for 29 years and raised four children.

Their green flag was:

Coming back to each other when life gets busy.

I love that phrase.

Because life does get busy.

Work happens.

Children.

Stress.

Phones.

Responsibilities accumulate.

And relationships can gradually move from the centre of life into its background without anybody consciously deciding for that to happen.

Perhaps successful long-term couples aren't people who somehow avoid that drift.

Perhaps they're people who repeatedly notice it and say:

"Let's come back to us."

And, yes, laughter

This one deserves mentioning simply because several people independently brought it up.

Laughing together.

Being able to have a laugh.

Even, as one person put it, laughing at your partner's jokes when nobody else would find them funny.

Relationship science can become very serious.

Maybe relationships shouldn't always be.

Being ridiculous together matters too.

The green flag underneath all the others

I have asked people for individual green flags.

I came away wondering whether many of their answers were actually describing the same underlying quality.

Responsiveness.

You tell me something and I listen.

Something matters to you and I become curious about it.

You're struggling and I stay.

We disagree and I try to understand.

I hurt you and I come back to repair.

Life gets busy and I find my way back to you.

You change and I remain interested in discovering who you're becoming.

Different behaviours.

Similar message:

"You matter to me, and I'm paying attention."

Maybe green flags aren't things you find

This was probably my biggest takeaway from the weekend.

Dating culture often encourages us to think of green flags as characteristics we should search for in another person.

Find someone kind.

Find someone emotionally available.

Find someone who communicates.

Find someone curious.

And of course, choosing our partners carefully matters.

But almost everything people described to me was also something we can practise ourselves.

I can become more curious about my partner.

I can notice something they've done.

I can learn to listen without immediately defending myself.

I can put my phone away and pay attention.

I can participate in something they love.

I can initiate repair.

I can remember the little things.

I can come back when life gets busy.

Perhaps the most useful question isn't only:

"Does my partner have these green flags?"

It's also:

"How many of these green flags did I show my partner today?"

From green flags to Relationship Nutrition

These conversations resonated with me because they're remarkably close to an idea I've been exploring through Haven.

I call it Relationship Nutrition.

We understand intuitively that physical health isn't created by eating one extraordinarily nutritious meal once a year.

It's shaped by what we repeatedly consume.

Relationships may work in a similar way.

A romantic holiday can't compensate indefinitely for months of not really noticing each other.

One enormous declaration of love doesn't replace everyday kindness.

A great date doesn't remove the need to repair yesterday's argument.

Relationships are nourished through small, repeated behaviours.

At Haven, I've organised these practices around seven relationship nutrients:

Curiosity. Appreciation. Growth. Affection. Presence. Rituals. Novelty.

And what struck me at Vegan Campout was how naturally people's answers mapped onto these ideas without anyone being prompted.

Curiosity about your partner's interests.

Appreciating the little things.

Growing your communication skills.

Showing affection and kindness.

Being present enough to notice your partner.

Returning to the rituals that keep you connected.

Continuing to explore life together.

The language was different.

The underlying idea wasn't.

Good relationships aren't only something we find. They're something we repeatedly do.

And perhaps that's the biggest relationship green flag of all:

someone who believes the relationship is worth continuing to nourish.

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A huge thank you to everyone at Vegan Campout who stopped to answer my slightly unexpected question. Your stories, examples and hundreds of years of accumulated wisdom made this article possible.

If you were one of the people I spoke to: I hope I captured the spirit of what you shared, and thank you for helping turn a simple question into a much bigger conversation.